Sometimes I feel that the past year I slept through. 

I lived from day to day, week to week, from shift to shift.... I had the feeling that I was wasting my time, that I wasn't enjoying anything, that nothing gave me pleasure. I constantly only have to do something.

I have to go to work for the night, I have to read a book, I have to write a review, I have to smile nicely.... In February of this year, I got sick. In fact, it all started already in November/December 2022, but not until in February, when the cough would not go away, I decided that screw this meaningless absenteeism award.

Rather, what's more important is my health, not the possibility of receiving 1,000 Polish gold after a year for the fact that, as a diligent employee, I wasn't on sick leave for a single day. This time off, when I really rested, from the shifts, from the nerves associated with work, from the cough I came to a relative order, gave me a lot. 

It opened my eyes to what I've really been doing for the last eight years, which has intensified in the last two. 

Well... I was such a little establishment pet. Here I smiled, here I winked, there I worried too much about someone, and as a result of all this, some people began to treat me as their daughter, friend.... I don't know... like someone they can call at any time of the day or night and I will graciously talk to them, because, after all, it is not appropriate to say no to an older person.

Now I know that I loosened my suspenders too much, which made people allow themselves too much. I had to go on sick leave to realize that I was voluntarily allowing my own boundaries to be overstepped, and I didn't object to it because "I didn't want to be mean." Now I know it was wrong. Most of all, it was bad for me because I didn't feel fully myself. 

I didn't feel good about someone calling me after 10 pm, asking me about my private life and even demanding answers from me. I felt bad about someone giving me some gifts, not sure why or why exactly to me. It was awkward for me, but on the other hand I had some remorse towards myself that I was being too judgmental, maybe rude in some way.... to these people at that moment.

And it was on sick leave that it came to me that, after all, I have no obligations to these people. I don't have to explain anything, I don't have to answer the phone, I don't have to confess my private life and, in truth, I'm not tomato soup - I don't have to be liked by everyone.

When this came to me, I felt a kind of relief. 

Relief because from that moment I started to count my opinion and not the opinion of other people.

 Sometimes it's hard to rearrange something in our minds, even if it would make our lives easier and more comfortable.

When this came to me, I felt a kind of relief. Relief because from that moment I started to count my opinion and not the opinion of other people. Sometimes it's hard to rearrange something in our minds, even if it would make our lives easier and more comfortable.

It may seem to you that nothing has changed, however, I feel a big difference. I don't have a pressure in my stomach when someone asks me if I have a boyfriend. I don't feel stress when someone calls me well after 7pm, because I simply don't take calls from people at work at that time, because that's a rule I've made for myself. 

I've created my own safe space where I try to choose the right words, be calm, don't get upset, but analyze the situation so I can talk and negotiate later. At home, I cried more than once through work. I would go outside, go to the woods and cry. My parents didn't understand that I was unhappy there, that I didn't want to work shifts, that the CEO was demanding pearls from us and I was tired of it all.

I used to come to work with a smile on my face, but now I come because I have to. Because somewhow to make money somewhere. I remember that day like today. I, in truth, consider myself quite a mentally strong person, but on March 14th I let my nerves go. To make a very long story short, we were once again told by the director and manager that we had to make the norm, because if we didn't we would be transferred to another department.

Intimidation? Coercion? Working after hours? Shift work... I couldn't handle it. After being told in the office that "the time of apprenticeship has just come to an end," I returned to my workstation. Everything would have been relatively bearable if the foreman hadn't approached me, with the text "You know they always make life difficult and do it on purpose. Don't worry."

I know that he wanted to comfort me, support me.... it worked the other way around. 

For the first time in eight years I burst into tears at work in front of everyone.

 Since then, I can't talk normally with the director, who is actually my colleague. I am not able to believe these people who should be my support. I don't trust them and I have lost confidence in them....

The worst thing is that I would like to change jobs, but as it is with changes - I am afraid. I'm afraid that I won't be able to manage somewhere else. That it could be even worse. I won't get an indefinite contract, it will be harder, I won't be able to cope.... I know that if I don't take the first step I won't make it, but I'm very afraid.

This fear made me turn my attention to English. I have always wanted to be proficient in English, and I have the opportunity to do so by learning on the My American Dream platform and taking some of Laura Maliszewska's courses. 

Funnily enough, it was English that made me realize another thing that happened literally a week ago. Well, I feel that my priorities have changed. Through feeling bad at work and wanting to learn English, I asked myself one basic question - what is important to you? What would you like to do in the future?

My answer was not at all reviewing books and reading them, which I always put first on my "Must have" list. My answer was - to have something of my own, maybe related to English, some kind of "clean" job, office work, from Monday to Friday, maybe moonlighting as a streamer on Twitch, 

but 100% not a book reviewer.

This answer made me realize that I think the days when I used to worry about whether or not I would read something on time are over. Publishing houses report to me less and less often, this year I am on time with everything, which fills me with pride in a way, but I don't feel the push to read something because a publishing house sent me a book. Of course, they have priority and I try to make sure they are read on time, however, if I am late, I don't whip myself and I don't hold it against myself. 

I realized that the last few years I read books because I had to, and it turned from pleasure into compulsion. I felt pressure on myself to read as much as I could, as fast as I could, and to take whatever publishing houses wanted to offer me. It has come to me that I would like reading books to give me pleasure and be my hobby and not an unpleasant duty, so now if there is no review on my Polish blog on Saturday, as usual, it means that:

- I have not read the book

- I did not want to take a photo for the review

- I did not write a review

I am not ending my adventure with book reviewing. I'm just bringing it down to the level of pleasure, not obligation. Once again, I have taken off the burden of compulsion that I put on myself. I feel lighter, calmer.... I feel free.

I like these changes. I'm glad that there came a moment in my life when I realized certain things. I am still waiting until I believe in myself and change something when it comes to work, but I believe that everything will come in its own time and there will be a right moment for everything.

Sometimes you have to get sick to realize something. Some people needed a quarantine and a pandemic, for me a month on sick leave was enough to start noticing my needs.