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To be honest I have no idea from what I have to be start this post, because I have chaos in my head. I'd like to throw all of my thought from my head and write here what's bothering me but from what I should to start?

Maybe from the beginning. From January when I was promised to myself that I will be carried about my health, I'll be brave and optymystic person. And now I just asking myself where where did i get lost?

In the beginning January I went to the doctor because I wanted to do my first breast USG. My doctor found something in my left breast and told me that it is nothing bad but I can observe it and he recommended me going to the other doctor at Juny.

In the meantime was happening other not nice stuff with me health which I don't want to talk about it, and at April, my boss took me to shifts work which destroyed my whole life routine.

I stopped read regularly and write review about books which I was read. I stopped write with people on discord channels where always I was active and wrote even stupid "hello". I stopped enjoying the things that used to make me happy like being on the platform "My American Dream"...

In every year I was planning my trip with my parents to somewhere. In this year... that was like a  coercion. Don't get me wrong. It's still something awesome, that I can go somewhere and spend all the week with my parents but this year I didn't feel good enough fro planning anything.

Over and over I was thinking that something could be happened. Something bad and I was scare to drive far away my home. I was thinking about my death about my health and bad mood. And even if something good happened in my life, I was thinking like - you have to appreciate it because it could be the last time when something nice happening to you.

So I went to work, I came home and being like a vegetable. Do nothing. Only thinking about bad stuff, because what is the sense to do something if I could be died in the next year.

Only a few friends know what happened with me in real, and know how I was feeling in that time. That was really hard mentally year for me. Because I do for my head something like a tornado, talk to myself over and over again, that I'm not enough, I'll died soon, I'm lazy, not honest with myself, and lie everyone around me try to be happy and smile when inside I'm crying a lot. 

I killed child inside me, and when somebody ask - how are you, I use the common sentence in the world which is - I'm fine, thanks. Which is fcking lie! Because I'm not. I'm not, because I have to working on shifts and I have to go to the doctor but I'm scared which is insane because I exactly know that I'm hurting myself but I DO NOTHING to fix it which is make me mad to myself so much, that sometimes I have enough myself...

So if I can wish something to myself, it will be a brave. Brave to going to doctor, to diagnose myself, because I'm scared that isn't something easy and the next year could be harder that this year where I try to be strong as much as I can.

I know that in english is easier to me write about all this shit stuff. I feel that people who I met on the Internet and I call their like a friend, didn't judge me, but will be supporting me any time even if it will be really hard... I mean. I try to believe on it that I have that friends somewhere in the world.

Polish people are closed and shy to talk about feelings. We keep everything inside and didn't talk about it to people who probably we don't know. I feel that in US is different.so maybe that's the reason why I write about all of this. Because I don't want to be alone with all this shit which is for me like a stone. Too heavy to hold it lonely.

I'm really grateful for people who I met. Especially for:

Negaoryx, CafeEla, ComfyMel, WOWTer, Rewards, Dani, Lumona, Standby, Spidey, Paul, RedCat, Hannah, Kennedy, Chicken, and my polish friends like Talar, Razor, Mr Przemek, Antriss, Nika, Ocia, Ola and Ola from the platform, Paulina from platform, Justyna, Deska, Deliś, and Cruzerek aka Maślaczek.

I could write about all of you some story which stuck in my memory and about some story thanks to I feel that I can call you all my friends.

I'll try to care about myself more in the next year and I know that I'll get a support from you no matter what happen. It's hard to talk about myself when nothing is ok and try to be smile when you don't want to. But I feel that I had to write that post to explain y'all why I'm not active, why sometimes I'm lazy or I don't want to be a part with something.

I was learned from you so much. How to be brave, how to care about myself, how to be stronger when everything around me is like one big piece of shit, and I'll try to use all of this advice in my life soon. It won't be easy for sure. First - one more time breast USG... Maybe it's also the time to back to my blog where I write reviews about books which I was read... Now (4th December) I feel good. Enough good to have a hope for better day. And I hope that it won't be change soon.

If you have any question, you know where you find me. I don't want to write here about EVERYTHING but in dm we can talk if you want to know something.

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